About Therapy
What is therapy, you ask? Fortunately and unfortunately, the answer will differ depending on which therapist you ask. In another blog post, I outline the general categories of therapy, and explain where I fit as a therapist, so that you have informed consent about what you are getting with my services, vs. another therapist’s service.
For now, though, I would love to give you a broad explanation about what I think the heart of therapy should be, and what ultimate problem it should solve for - regardless of the modality the practitioner uses.
To answer this question, I would love to give an example from one of the early books that I read in my Master’s program, called the Interpersonal Process of Psychotherapy by Edward Teyber.
Teyber opens with an example of an interaction between a new male client and a female therapist. The male client comes to therapy stating his main issue is his conflict-ridden relationship with his wife: “We are always fighting because she is always telling me what to do and bossing me around. I hate feeling like a kid around her all the time. What do you (therapist) think I should do about it?”
In this moment, the client is doing what we call reenacting the relational dynamic with his wife, with his new female therapist. He is not doing anything wrong, but likely doesn’t realize that he is unintentionally creating a scenario in which he is repeating with his new therapist the very pattern he is trying to stop with his wife.
In this moment, the female therapist is put into a bind—a unique position in which the two obvious solutions are lose-lose. On one hand, the male client is coming to therapy because he does need help. So if she doesn’t offer some sort of help, she is letting him down. On the other hand, if the female therapist does help him in the way he is setting her up for, by directly answering his question and telling him what to do, she will eventually become just like his wife in the dynamic—he will grow to resent her and feel infantilized and controlled by her.
To me, this is the crux of therapy:
(1) The therapist being able to see the bind that is unfolding
(2) The therapist being able to name out loud to the client the no-win position they are in
(3) The therapist being able to collaborate with the client on a new, different way forward, that allows the client to find a solution to his issue while stepping into his own agency—in a way that does not repeat the same pattern
(4) Through this process, the client can learn new ways of relating to his wife are possible. He can use skills he is learning in therapy and practice those in real life with his wife, hopefully changing their dynamic over time.
This really ties in with what I shared on my About Me page. This is why I believe that, first and foremost, therapy is a co-creation process. That process should illuminate unhelpful ways the client is relating to others or themselves, collaborate on more helpful ways to solve the problem, and try to implement change outside of session. And of course, work through everything that comes up in the process of trying to implement that change.
Check out my other blog post for a more generalized explanation of the different types/approaches to therapy, and where I fit in.